The year ahead: showbiz

"...Meanwhile, photos will appear of Madonna entering a sperm bank and denials will be swiftly issued that she was either considering IVF or using semen as moisturiser. She was, in fact, looking for her new boyfriend; having worked her way through twentysomething and teenage male models, she is now dating spermatozoids.

Lohan decides she needs a new career path and so decides to become the face of the recession and, with her new TV company, launches and stars in a reality TV show: Can You Live, Like, Poor? After 20 minutes, she decides, actually, she can't..."

Hadley Freeman
The Guardian, Thursday 31 December 2009